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On Cueing Up the Behavior of Others

by Wayne L. Strom, Ph.D.

A few questions to consider before you read on:

1. What do you intend to have as the quality of your relationships with others?

2. How conscious do you remain of these intentions in your day-by-day interactions with others, be they family, work associates, or just people you encounter along the way such as restaurant food servers or other drivers on the freeway?

The simple truth is that by the intentions that we consciously choose to act on, we set the stage for various dramas in our daily lives.

From time to time I watch a program titled “Inside the Actor’s Studio” on the BRAVO channel. Frequently I find this to be an informative program. As the actors reveal the lessons they have learned about their craft, they are placing a magnifying glass over aspects of all human interaction. For example, many have spoken of how they enjoy working with one actor or another because of the way that person sets them up in the dialogue/action. Some have reported liking to work with Jack Nicholson, for example, because his unpredictable responses help them to “stay on their toes” in order to respond congruently to the cues he spontaneously gives. Although both parties to a particular action know that the whole thing is an act, they best mimic life by being natural and congruent within the role/character/part they are playing as well as congruent with the cues from their partner-actor.

The lesson here may seem obvious. But it may also be subtle. The presentations we consciously or unconsciously make of ourselves, both verbal and non-verbal, are instantly perceived and responded to spontaneously by the other “actors” in our lives. Unless they stop to think about their response, they will typically respond in a manner congruent with how we presented ourselves. If we present ourselves as having low self-esteem, the other “actor” will at some level react to that. Maybe he will be gentle with us because he perceives that we have said we are weak. Maybe he will dominate or become abusive because he perceives that we have said we are vulnerable. Or maybe, as in the case of a skilled therapist, he may reflect back our communication and ask what do we mean to communicate.

When we are in a long-term relationship, as with a spouse or perhaps a boss or co-worker, the pattern becomes a habit. We, unless we become conscious of our behavior and attitude, continue to send the same cues and the other person gives the same attitude/behavior back in reaction to those cues. Persons who have endured abusive relationships, unless they have trained themselves to pay attention and change how they present themselves, will continue to give off cues that others can receive as invitations to dominate/abuse. In longer-term relationships, even if the formerly abused person changes his/her behavior, it may take consistent effort and “getting in the face” of the other before they will begin acknowledging and taking seriously the change and thus treating one differently.

Young people who are looking for positive relationships would do well to apply this lesson to themselves. One way to do that is to ask first, ‘what kind of person do I really want to attract into my life?’ And then ask themselves, “what kind of person would that person be attracted to?” And finally, ask themselves, “what signals, or cues am I giving off that others in congruence will react to?”

In a sense, we are constantly manipulating others simply by the cues we give off. To some extent each of us invites into our lives the people we end up with. To some extent each of us invites, indeed controls, the behavior others extend to us. So let us ask, who is responsible for the way that you are treated?

We all meet people from time to time who behave in hostile/toxic ways. And, we all have a choice to stay in the same space or leave it. (Or invite them to leave.) If the cues we give to the other actors on our stage are consistently that we respect ourselves and have no space for disrespect from others, we will be respected. If the cues we give suggest that we lack the confidence to differentiate between people who can be trusted and people who cannot, among the people we attract will be those whom we will trust inappropriately. A some level they will have recognized the opportunity.

There are other relevant examples. In each case there will be a variety of others responding, but there well predictably be some who are simply being congruent with our cues. If the cues we give suggest that we are defensive, we will attract people who will respond to our defensiveness by engaging in some form of confrontation or attack, and we will have the “fight” we cued-up. If we give off cues that we are a “soft-touch” and that we will “rescue” anyone who appears hurt, or less fortunate, we will attract people who will skillfully take advantage. (Maybe that is why the New Testament suggests giving your charity in secret, so that the recipient will not know its source!)

On reflection, what is evident about the actors in the television program is that they are acting out what they believe to be true about the characters they are portraying. To put it differently, it is the assumed and accepted belief system of the character or persona being portrayed which is determining the actor’s behavior. The actor is not putting forward his own feelings. He is not expressing himself through the filter of what he believes/knows to be true about himself. He is expressing his voice and behavior through the filter of what he understands that the character/persona believes/accepts/knows as true about the character’s self. This is a significant difference. Thus, a Michael Caine for example, can perfectly portray a wide range of characters, using each of their own intact belief systems about themselves, without compromising what he believes to be true about himself! In his daily life with family and close friends he can act-out/live-out what he believes about himself as a man, or he can, as a skilled actor, assume a different persona and act-out/live-out beliefs appropriate to that persona.

It was Shakespeare who suggested “all the world’s a stage.” Dare I ask what roles are in your script? As an infant certain roles were assigned to you by your parents and other caregivers. Through childhood, adolescence and your young adult years, you reinforced some of these roles and dropped others. Most people are not conscious of making those choices. We all made them and each of them has an inherent belief system about what we should expect from the world and how to behave to make those expectations become real. Each of us has self-limiting and self-expansive opportunities. We typically respond to these in a manner which is congruent with what we believe to be true about our selves and our lives. To borrow a phrase from Henry Ford, if we think (believe) we can do it, we can do it! If we think (believe) we can’t do it, we can’t!

So, what is your script?

On Writing a New Script

Over the years I have come to the realization that I am constantly giving off the cues or signals that attract certain kinds of people into my life, and with them, a certain range of challenges/opportunities. So! (And I realize that I paused and took a deep breath before proceeding because to write or say these words means accepting personal responsibility for what I am creating in my life.)

What this means to me is that I am constantly planting the seeds which will create my life as it will be in the coming years. I am constantly creating my own future by the way I live-out and act-out what I believe to be true about myself today. To phrase this a bit more objectively, it is my belief system that determines what I expect in life as well as determining how I present myself as my life unfolds day-by-day. (It should be noted that how I present myself interacts with the belief system. My behaviors reinforce my belief system by triggering congruent responses from my environment. My belief system reinforces my behavior by setting my expectations of what responses to look for/expect.) [I am not an expert on Hindu mythology or religion, but I understand this to be the true meaning of the word “Karma.” ] One could say that we create our own “Karma.”

We all set in motion the forces which eventually shape our personal futures. If enough people are mutually congruent with regard to their expectations, they set in motion the forces which will create or “call into being” a cultural, or national, or ethnic, or racial “reality.” If you reflect on what is understood to have been among the common aspirations and beliefs of the first Europeans to come to this continent, what evolved as the U.S. Constitution is perfectly consistent. That they were for the most part Christians and Jews who believed in the Providence of God helped them to act on that belief with the expectation that things would work out. The “Founders” believed in the capability of men and women to be responsible enough to govern themselves and make their own destiny through the “pursuit of…..” The first 200 years of this country proved them to be right. Belief systems are complex, particularly if we consider a large group of people where they may be conflicts or contrasts among expectations. There are other regions of the world with similar natural resources to the U.S. where the “founders” beliefs did not include a trust in people to be responsible enough to govern themselves. Their outcomes have also proven them to be right.

Re-Drafting the Personal Script

Robert Fritz (The Path of Least Resistance) suggests that the creative act begins with a vision of the outcome one wants to produce. The first step for you and I as we set out to write a new script is to envision the outcome we want to create. What is the life you want to create? In your heart and gut, what do you believe to be true about yourself in relation to that vision? As a starting point reflect on the following questions:

• If I could live my life the way that I want to, what would it be like?
• How do I envision the way I want my life to be?
• In my heart, do I believe that I am worthy of that life?
• To the degree that I have self-doubt, what am I doing to address that doubt?
• In my daily interactions, what cues do I give off to others?
• Are they consistent with my vision of my own future?
• Do I need to change them? If so, how?
• Who in my life today supports, or will support my vision of my future?
• What do I need to do to begin attracting more people and opportunities into my life that will support my vision?
• How clearly focused are my intentions in my conscious mind?
• What is the outcome I want to produce in my life?
• Do I remember that every day, I am creating my life, now, as it will be in the future?

“What you believe to be true, either is already true, or becoming true, for you.”
- John Lilly

Copyright, May 23, 2000, Wayne L. Strom, Ph.D. This material may not be reproduced either in part or in whole by electronic or any other means without the express written permission of the author.